About a minute ago I did something that I have not done in months at least, perhaps even in a year or two. I cleaned my computer screen!!! And my keyboard, and my mouse pad, and all of it. Wiped it down with a baby wipe, the greatest cleaning tool of all time, and wiped it down top to bottom. I feel like I’m looking at a brand new computer.
Maybe that’s gross — the months-worth of accumulated dust and fingerprints part, not the cleaning part I mean. You can judge me, that’s okay. It’s just that sometimes I get so wrapped up in the bigger things such as the work I have to do on said computer, that I forgo the seemingly small things such as cleaning the computer’s screen. Do you see what I’m getting at?
And if you are a person that regularly thoroughly cleans (à la baby wipe) your computer screen, then my goodness I envy you, you have got your shit together.
I have been told, repeatedly, particularly over the past year, that my shit is together. I have been told, repeatedly, that people envy me or admire certain aspects of my life. And though I work very hard and am incredibly grateful for pretty much every one of the things in my life I must say that my shit is not together all the time. In fact I am probably one of the most anxious people I know, one of the busiest people I know, I face struggle upon struggle and try to keep it all together on a daily basis.
Well, I cracked. And I made some self-care decisions.
I am not writing about my dirty laptop and about my personal endeavors and difficulties for the purpose of trying to make anyone feel bad for me or to evaluate whether my hardships are or aren’t valid or to further encourage me. Please, none of that. I am writing because I finally can, because I finally have the time, because I finally have the desire. And it feels like a breath of fresh air. (Also one of my fave skincare products is literally called Breath of Fresh Air and you guys it is like my patronus blend of ingredient, but anyway.)
I thought my summer would be filled with moments between myself and my keyboard, and yet I was too enveloped in the culmination of a dreadfully stressful spring and the unraveling of a work-filled, frustration-inducing summer to blurt out more than a couple blog posts.
And then a few weeks back I received some advice after an (admittedly unexpected, somewhat embarrassing) outburst in tears (that was me cracking): “Don’t roll over and die.” Yup. “Don’t roll over and die.” “DON’T ROLL OVER AND DIE.” New mantra.
Let me tell you, two days later I made an important work-related change. A couple weeks later I bought a new agenda and some pretty colored pencils for the upcoming school year. A few days ago I pulled out my warm blankets, fall-scented candles and made plans with many friends with whom I desperately needed to catch up. And now I have a mug that says NOT MY PROB-LLAMA and I wave it at people and at objects that I needn’t bother myself with.
I am twenty-three and my life requires way more adulting than I would choose to be doing at this age. I am not going to get into it more than that. You don’t need all the details, even though they’re mostly good. And I appreciate it when people support me. But sometimes my greatest accomplishment in a day is making a comforting cup of tea. Or successfully holding back when wanting to curse at someone. Or actually remembering to eat my vitamins. Sometimes, I accomplish nothing in a day. And most of the time I adult because I have to adult.
A friend today made a comment about the lengthy immigration processes my fiancé and I are going through (*spoiler: mcbritish is moving over, everyone rejoice!*). Over the past year I’ve heard a lot of words of awe from others, words of wonder, sugar-coated words; but she acknowledged something different. She said to me: “That is very difficult.” She wasn’t smiling, she didn’t romanticize it. “That is very difficult.” Who knew that’s what I’d been aching to hear this whole time?
If you’ve made it this far in the post I’m impressed. I’m ramble-y tonight. #sorrynotsorry
There is a heap more I could say and explain. A lot that I want to share, a lot that I want to defend. But I think I will leave it at this for now. You can expect fall baking and skincare routines and cool weather posts soon, I am so looking forward to those.
This was a post a little about nothing, a little about everything. It was a personal post, from me to me. My point tonight, and I do have one, is that my commitment to myself this fall is to commit myself to myself. Did that make sense? It makes sense to me.
Welcome back to my budding blog 🙂